Loneliness in a Relationship: What Are the Causes?
Loneliness is quite a painful feeling. When a person is struggling with addiction and tries to look inside themselves to understand what feelings they are trying to drown out with food or alcohol, the answer is often the same. It’s all about loneliness. Perhaps you think that only those who live alone and have no family experience this feeling, but this is not so. Many people feel abandoned, isolated and lonely while in a relationship. You know relationships do not always relieve loneliness, on the contrary, often they become a root cause of it.
We feel deeply lonely when we want to feel sincere contact with someone, but this person is inaccessible to us, they don’t want or just unable to open up. This feeling is certainly present when we are alone, but it often arises in a relationship, when one or both partners have lost touch with each other because one of them is angry, sick or very tired, or has withdrawn into themselves.
Where Does Loneliness Come from in a Romantic Relationship?
Love and loneliness are a challenging combination. Sometimes people enter a relationship just because they are afraid to stay alone. In a loved one, we are looking for support, understanding, care, willingness to share the joys and sorrows of life. Meanwhile, there are cases, when a person is in a relationship but lonely. If you ask yourself, “Why do I feel lonely in my relationship?” then it’s time to figure everything out.
When two soulmates meet, they become the most kith and kin for each other. And then something happens, and the beloved person suddenly becomes a stranger. You start doubting and asking questions, “Is it about true love? Is it the right person next to me if I feel so lonely? How to deal with loneliness in a relationship?”
When the initial romance ends, and passion subsides, a man and a woman begin to get to know each other better. All kinds of conflicts and resentment can lead to the fact that the couple does not solve them, and they prefer to gloss over the issues. Such understatement often causes the first feeling of loneliness, incomprehension, and disappointment. It turns out that, on the one hand, you are people who love each other, but on the other hand, you suffer from loneliness in a relationship. At the same time, looking at your relationship, others can envy, considering you the perfect couple. And what's really going on? Has love become only a mockery or a beautiful picture?
Loneliness in a couple can be either productive or increase the distance between partners, turning lovers into strangers. “Jointness” is of great importance in a relationship. In other words, how much time do you want and are ready to spend with a loved one? These needs rarely coincide. It’s not even about the notorious differences between a man and a woman, but the fact that everyone has a different need for jointness, intimacy, and freedom. And if it is normal for one partner to meet and call twice a week, then for another one it can be extremely little, and such behavior can cause irritation, anxiety, and claims like, “You don't love me,” etc.
A strong estrangement between a man and a woman shows that many important moments were missed in a couple: you either hid your identity for too long or adjusted to a loved one, agreeing with what they chose. The most important thing is that there was no dialogue between you, a conversation in which you could openly say what you like and dislike, what you need in a relationship, which things are unacceptable, and when you can compromise.
Such a situation occurs when the couple does not clarify their expectations, values, and joint plans. The simplest example may look like that, “A man meets a woman, he is interested only in an intimate relationship with her and doesn’t think about the creation of a family. A woman wants to get married, but she doesn’t want to scare off the man. As a result, there is a relationship, but each partner has different goals.”
Sings of Loneliness in a Relationship
Most often, loneliness is hidden behind the following actions of the partners:
overeating;- alcoholism;
- addiction to computer games;
- workaholism;
- drug addiction.
Often, the person cannot exactly explain the feeling that is behind these addictions. It’s pretty hard to recognize that partners living together suffer from loneliness because the very thought about that seems weird, and the problem seems far-fetched.
Emotional distance and closeness of partners arise due to the lack of spiritual comfort. Perhaps you would like to communicate with your partner without limiting yourself to any framework, but you cannot do this for various reasons. There is a dissonance: on the one hand, you have a close person, but on the other hand, you cannot be honest with them. What to do when you feel lonely in a relationship?
How to Deal with Loneliness in a Relationship?
Each case is unique, and your couple might be going through a difficult period. What to do if there is a distance between you, and you don’t see a way out, feeling lonely in a relationship? What are the required components of the cure for loneliness? Here they are.
- Recognition of the differences between you;
- Recognition of the value of your relationship;
- Readiness for open dialogue: asking, listening, hearing.
It’s not so easy to take these steps. Often, people live in their own fantasies, illusions, especially regarding relationships. People draw their own conclusions, act, and most importantly, react, based on them, “They came late from work = They were with someone = They don’t love me anymore = They are going to break up.” So, how to overcome loneliness in a relationship?
Be interested in your partner
No wonder they say that you can live together for 50 years, and never get to know each other for real. Once you have chosen each other, it means that you two have something in common that unites you. And there are things that make you different. Try to remember how your relationship began many years ago. How did you fascinate each other? Try to show a real curiosity, interest in your loved one, especially now that you feel you are far from each other.
Let them be themselves
When you don’t try to assess, criticize or constantly give advice, it helps your partner to be open with you and not defend themselves. Perhaps you two will want to share something important with each other that you haven’t talked about yet. Differences in a couple can either increase the distance or allow real intimacy to manifest itself when you trust each other and risk to be yourself without pretending You do not need to be someone else, and differences can make the relationship stronger and more valuable.
Take the initiative
If you suffer from being lonely in a relationship, there is a huge chance that your partner is as lonely as you are. And why don't you know anything about this? Because both of you are stuck in an emotional trap from which it is difficult to get out by yourself. Try to talk not only about children and everyday affairs. Talk about what is happening in the world, what you have been able to achieve and what you are going to do on vacation etc. Ask your partner what they think about some important topics, take interest in their answers, join the discussion. Give your partner time to respond to your initiative. It can take some time, so you should be patient.
Empathize with the other person's emotions
The longer you live with a person, the more it seems to you that you know perfectly well what they feel or think about. This has nothing to do with reality. You should always remember about the ability to empathize and put yourself in someone's place. Instead of standing your ground, stop for a minute and look at the problem from your partner’s point of view. The ability to listen and understand is a way for sympathy, which creates emotional intimacy and deepens your love. Loneliness in a relationship will gradually go away. You influence who you are and how you feel. So, when you feel lonely in a relationship, instead of despairing, take the plunge, be aware of what is happening, and begin to “play first violin” to avoid loneliness.
Dealing with Long Distance Relationship Loneliness
Loneliness is an old friend who comes to everyone from time to time, but it’s extremely difficult to live with it when you are in a long-distance relationship. There are times when loneliness visits you just because your partner is not physically beside you. There are many reasons for being lonely, for example, you are living in different time zones, so when they are sleeping, you are awake and have breakfast. This can also be related to a busy work schedule because even if you are in a relationship, you are still two different people. Or you just miss your partner. How to cope with long-distance relationship loneliness?
The cure for loneliness is daily reminders of a loved one. You can review old photos or re-read the love letters that your partner has sent you. Keep in mind that even if your partner is not around, you can still feel their love. How to cope with loneliness in a long-distance relationship?
Maintain intimacy
Remember that you should communicate with your beloved one if you are willing to save your relationship. If you feel lonely when your soulmate is in the other part of the globe, the best thing you can do is to text them. You should share the news with each other, talk about your experiences and feelings. The main thing is to maintain a sense of intimacy and trust. It does not mean that you must provide a daily report on the things you’ve done during a day, but you should be pretty enthusiastic and not limit yourself to the notorious, “I’m all right.” Both of you should feel the connection.
Respect their feelings
Your partner is a human being, so they can also feel lonely from time to time. One day either you or they may think that it is extremely difficult to be in a long-distance relationship. It is important to be able to understand and accept this fact. If you haven’t got bored in contrast to your beloved one, you shouldn’t tell them, “Don’t overreact. We’ll meet in a week.” You should show understanding and empathy.
Don’t play down the importance of emotions
Hundreds of messages can be perceived incorrectly and smiling emojis hardly show how much you love your partner. Therefore, to avoid misunderstandings and make your conversation more vivid, combine texting, phone conversations, and video calls.
Plan your holidays together
Loneliness is especially felt during holidays. If you have a chance to meet on holidays, then you shouldn’t miss such a wonderful opportunity to spend time together. Besides, pay special attention to different family holidays, anniversaries, Valentine's Day, etc. since they are considered the most dangerous.
Create your own rituals
It can be about secret words, the meaning of which only two of you know. You can exchange cute postcards every time you visit a new city or come up with your own rituals like sending goodnight photos or good morning text messages. There are so many different options that it’s not even necessary to choose only one of them since the more interesting things you try, the better.
Trust your beloved one
This point is of great importance for any couple, it’s a foundation of any healthy relationship. If you cannot but check how many people like their photos on Instagram, this is a red flag, which tells about trust issues. If you want to be with this person, you should learn to cope with jealousy and bad emotions.
Discuss your intimate life
You know that some people don’t mind having love affairs, being on business trips or living in different countries with their permanent partners, while others accept only monogamous relationships. You should definitely discuss this issue in advance and make everything clear before you agree to a long-distance relationship. Nonetheless, you will hardly be able to control your partner, so you must be sure that your values coincide 100%.
