A Comprehensive Guide to Polyamory Dating
“The more the merrier” can be not just quite a dope sign-off to your home party invite. In fact, it is also a sex (and love too) philosophy movement. Some may even consider the whole concept to be a separate sexual orientation. So, polyamory dating is the sexual practice of keeping multiple romantic relationships and partners, with the main idea that sounds like: Why should I confine myself to only one partner at a time when there are so many exceptionally good fish in the sea?
What is polyamory?
First and foremost, in order to define what the poly relationship is about, you need to realize that polyamory is a real worldview for many: it is exactly the realization that every person is allowed to feel - to love himself/herself first of all and others as well, to fall in love with a couple of nice people, to have sex, to live life to the fullest and of course – to share feelings with other partners. If you’ve chosen this type of relationship, you have to understand and accept that your partners share the same feelings and emotions and they might fall in love and actually make love to other people to keep their needs met – and that’s totally fine. And only when those feelings are 100% natural and positive, there is absolutely no reason to limit them to just one regular partner.
Polyamory relationships stand mainly for a totally free lifestyle which allows confident people to encourage open, complete honest and supportive romantic relations with several partners at the same time. Those relationships are typically free of any jealousy and envy. You need to understand that neither you nor your partners are created absolutely perfect. And logically, you can’t provide your loving ones with just everything they might need. Still, on the other hand, you can be completely sure that the value you do provide is what they really need.
Unlike lots of myths regarding polyamory relations, you will actually find out that those relations are based entirely on trust, maturity and sincerity, since without all these qualities, a poly relationship may easily fall apart. Don’t be surprised, though, that the level of mutual trust among poly relationship partners can be higher than among the more common monogamy couples.
Poly dating rules
1. Do not keep the score
Oftentimes, we might be tempted to try to turn multi-sided relationships into some sort of a tallying game. However, in truth, fairness is meant to operate on more general level, not a local one. For instance, there might be times when one of your partners, for whatever reasons, is forced to go through depression or is facing certain problems or maybe needs additional support and attention. And as long as that attention and support are always available to all the parties within the partnership when they need it most, it is never a question of keeping score.
2. Understand that your personal needs have almost nothing to do with your partners’
Do not be saying “You’d better stop giving her that,” rather say “I need that” instead. You’d better consider the most important things you need, rather than what you may think your other partner often gets. In this case, being happy and totally satisfied is not a competition!
3. Do not be afraid to ask for what you really need
It may sound pretty obvious, yet if you always keep avoiding asking for whatever you might need, you can never expect to get all the things you want to get. Don’t be waiting till your partner infers your true needs. When you happen to discover that neither of your needs is met, just sit and talk to your partner about the matter. Your needs are really important and even if you actually believe they might appear irrational to other partners, they still remain a legitimate part of who you truly are.
4. Do not expect polyamory to solve your problems in the relationship
Bringing some other people into an already existing relationship that has a number of issues is very likely to exacerbate these issues. In addition, it is simply unfair to the people coming in. The bigger the problems in the existing partnership, the more unstable the position of the new partner joining that partnership and the more likely that someone will bear all the brunt of your problems.
5. Do your best to stay flexible
This is another tactic that is often recommended by many polyamory dating sites and works basically for any type of relationship, either monogamous or polyamorous. At the same time, polyamorous relationships are, in truth, much more complex than monogamous ones, only because there are several people involved, and polyamorous relations can benefit greatly when all sides in them seek to remain as flexible as possible, especially with regard to solving existing problems.
6. Always take responsibility for any of your actions
Taking responsibility for actions and their consequences - even if those are the unintended ones – is often unpleasant. Consider the effects of all your decisions on those people around you, although it usually takes a lot of effort and work. The upside to doing this obnoxious work, however, is that it can empower you, and let you shape your life the way you wish while still remaining compassionate and responsible to the partners around.
Polygamy vs polyamory: understanding the difference
Chances are, you might actually be wondering: What is the difference between polygamy and polyamory? In fact, that’s a great question!
On the surface, polygamy and polyamory tend to look almost the same: you are often a single person seeking to date multiple people at a time. But when you use to dig a bit deeper, they turn out to be wildly different.
With polygamy, the end goal is often finding a couple of partners, bringing them into your relationship and eventually getting married. Well, at least, that is the assumption most people make. Yet in polyamory, the purpose of the whole dating process is to find connection with whatever people you connect – they can be friends, lovers, or just sex buddies. There is no end goal of marriage in such relationship, allowing the connection to happen simply how it does and for your relationship to unfold as it is supposed to – not how you force it to.
Another major difference between these two notions is the overall honesty and consent aspects. Do you feel absolutely free to tell each partner you’re dating someone else? And do you tell them you have sex with other people?
In polygamy, the answer is usually no. Those relationships foster a culture of total silence around intimacy. While in polyamory, you can always tell your partners about other people you may be dating. Naturally, such honesty is quite a risk, as some people might want to date exclusively and stop dating you because you’re constantly meeting others. Anyway, just let them. You certainly don’t wish to be with somebody who is always ready to forsake you after your date with someone else. That is what is often called co-dependency. But what you will surely find when you are absolutely sincere about dating other people is that it fosters honesty and deeper intimacy in the relationship.
Probably the funniest thing is that polygamy may have just as much difference in its desires and expectations as polyamory does. The main is, within a polygamous framework you often avoid talking about your real wishes and intentions – they may often be incorrectly assumed. At the same time, in polyamory everything is made explicit. For example, if you are seeking for a one night stand, you can say so. And the best thing is that women may do the same! If you actually want to get married, you can always say so. If you are completely open to letting a partnership unfold as it is supposed to, just say so, as you might simply get what you’re asking for.
Polyamory vs open relationship
Open relationships are traditionally ones being set up with a single core partnership and each partner staying free to pursue sexual relations with some others, whereas the polyamorous relationships are set up with a core partnership and each party being absolutely open to pursue closer emotional relations and is never limited to every single person within the relationship.
Polyamory families: do they really work?
If your definition of a polyamory marriage that in fact works is one where a pair is legally married, has kids, and stays together in a spiritually intimate and sexually exclusive partnership until both of them die on the same day, then no, poly will not work. Ironically, the high percentage of divorces and infidelity tend to indicate that the majority of monogamous couples just don’t work this way either, so in our case they are usually classified as “failed” or “broken” families.
However, if your definition of a partnership that works is one which meets all the needs of the partners involved and can surely flex with those needs over some time, then of course, polyamory appears to be working just great for many people. And if a poly relationship happens to change its primary form over particular time, it doesn’t actually mean it has failed or is somehow damaged, only that the partners’ needs and personalities simply have evolved. Even if two people in such relationship no longer have intimacy, they may still co-parent quite effectively, rely on one another for assistance in hard times and always remain emotionally supportive. The main point is that the entire flexibility inherent in poly partnership provides your relationship with a truly unique resilience allowing it to serve the needs of all the sides involved over time.
All Things Considered
Finally, you may experience a really unique and long-lasting love with even more than one beloved partner, which indeed opens you up to many different and for sure useful experiences with various people. When you feel down or need some extra support, you will always have more than one set of shoulders to lean on – which will certainly add some increased comfort and reassurance. What’s more, it is also an awesome setup for those people who prefer to stay creative in bed – as a person striving to try many different things can get much more experimental with multiple partners and, thus, learn some new things from his/her lovers.
In any case, you should always follow the polyamory rules laid out in this kind of relationship as it can definitely lead to bigger repercussions than when you have only one partner – simply as there are a couple of people involved in the outcomes. In addition, it is also pretty emotionally riskier because opening up your soul and heart to more individuals might mean you are more likely to end up with your heart broken.
