Dating Someone with Abandonment Issues

Let's start this article with a little love story about characters without names. A girl is dating a guy who has caused mixed feelings in her, but she decides, however, to go on a date with him. After some time, things begin to develop, and she begins to realize that she likes him. They enjoy socializing and start laughing at each other's jokes - even if these jokes aren't funny.

As relationships begin to flourish, a girl and a guy become more and more attached to each other, starting to spend more time together. Things are going well, and a girl begins to think that she cannot imagine her future without him. But as far as time goes by, she begins to look around and sees days turn into months, months turn into years — however, the relationship seems to be stuck in one place. Despite the fact that she understands and feels that the guy loves her, she begins to worry. She begins to doubt that he really wants to be with her. Years have passed since those times when they met and fell in love. Why was there not a single dialogue about the possibility of marriage?

The girl feels as if she is getting older and older, and that she needs to get settled, and therefore, unsure of his intentions, she begins to throw various signals here and there. She is trying to understand exactly what her boyfriend feels for her, and what he wants from this relationship, but she is too afraid to ask such questions directly. She is afraid that if she decides to put it bluntly and ask him about marriage, it can scare him away.

Does this story resonate with you? Lots of men find themselves dating a woman with abandonment issues, but this issue is quite common among men as well. Even if a person desperately loves someone, the fear of being abandoned leads to the fact that many people are afraid to spoil relationships by asking straightforward questions about the intentions of their partners. People don’t want to destroy a relationship that means so much to them. Thus, loving someone with abandonment issues may be quite challenging at times.

As you can see, this issue is a complex one, so, in this article, we’ve decided to talk about all the aspects of this fear. We will cover the topics like “What are abandonment issues in relationships?”, “Signs of abandonment issues,” “How abandonment issues affect relationships,” and “How to deal with abandonment issues.”

What Are Abandonment Issues?

When we come to realize the need for a serious relationship with a partner, we often become nervous. The excitement arises from our uncertainty that a partner treats you the way you treat them. If a person decides to go for a closer relationship in such a state, then the developing attachment to a partner will become a rather unhealthy one. If a person suddenly feels that the partner treats them with insufficient reciprocity, the pain, supported by this attachment, will only get stronger at a rapid pace until, at some key moment, it will result in a quarrel and a possible breakup because of some external events.

Resentment, in this case, is tied to the fear that after a person has spent so much time to get closer to their partner, sharing their feelings with them, and trying to establish stable relationships, a partner may just suddenly disappear.

Abandonment Issues in Relationships

Many people are so exposed to the fear of being abandoned that they often begin to behave completely inadequate. Signs of abandonment issues in adults may vary, but there are some common fears that people share. They become jealous and/or clingy due to being unsure that their partner wants to be with them. Or, on the contrary, a person can cool off and distance themselves from a partner, not wanting to share any feelings with them anymore because they do not see evidence that their partner’s feelings towards them are as intense as the feelings that they give them.

Most people, while engaging in an intimate relationship, subconsciously look for signs and confirmation that their partners want to be with them. And if they are not able to spot these signs for quite a long time, they will begin to feel a sense of disconnection from their partner. And, perhaps, the worst thing in this situation is the impossibility or unwillingness to recognize this fear in yourself, and also to share your fears with a partner.

This fear only gets stronger when a person experiences certain manifestation of coldness on the part of a partner. These manifestations of coldness include the unwillingness of a partner to share their feelings, their unwillingness to spend a sufficient amount of time together as well as to make efforts to show how much this relationship means for a partner.

When a person feels their willingness to further develop a relationship because their partner is not yet ready for it, a person may have a compulsive desire to put pressure on their partner and sometimes, even demand love from them. They need to know that a partner wants to be with them. But the more pressure is on a person, the less likely it is that their partner will ever come to this state. They put lots of pressure on their partner, not realizing that the entire thing is just their reaction to their own fears and that by demanding long-term obligations on the part of their partner, they only push them away from themselves.

As long as you are subject to the fear of being abandoned, you will somehow subconsciously help ensure that these fears can be realized. Unfortunately, the human psyche is arranged this way - if a person is afraid of something and the object of fear is very important to them, such fear tends to manifest itself in reality, which leads to undesirable changes in life, and in this case, possible deterioration of relationships and even a breakup. To prevent this, it is necessary to recognize and accept your fear of being abandoned and to attempt to get rid of it. You have to work on it, and the reward will be a significant improvement in the quality of your relationship.

How to Help Someone with Abandonment Issues?

What individuals in adulthood may be afraid of being abandoned? These are people who do not have a basic trust in the world, or even in themselves. They constantly expect a trick from a partner, they are afraid that they will just be abandoned at one point or another, so they are trying to control the situation, including the behavior of their partner. A relationship with such a person is quite complicated. The general psychological state of an anxious person is unstable and painful since the lack of relationships leads to a feeling of non-existence, the loss of oneself, and being in a relationship, one constantly experiences the fear of being abandoned again. In addition, for a period of time, while a person was trying to cope with the grief of loneliness on their own, they learned to live alone and rely only on themselves. Thus, it will be quite difficult to trust the world and the people around you after something like that.

In these moments, the problem is very similar to the fear of rejection. As a rule, a person finds situations that only fuel a trauma which was experienced earlier in their life, they unconsciously seek to be abandoned.

What Should a Person Do to Battle This Issue?

1. How to get over abandonment issues? A person must realize the existence of the trauma of abandonment and accept it regardless of the desire of an individual. It is there, and it will not disappear anywhere, and from time to time, a person will fall under the influence of this fear. As a partner, you should tell a person you love that you will not abandon them but let them know that their fears are irrational. You have to point out their abandonment issues signs. Maybe even show them this article.

2. A person should find the inner strength to decide that they will not be influenced by the fear of being abandoned anymore. You, as a partner, should play a big part in it, be the best friend to your loved one.

3. A person should believe in themselves (each person is interesting and worthy of love and attention in their own way) and understand that in life there will definitely be a person who is ready to appreciate and accept the peculiarities of one's character. Now, you should not mention the latter part of that to your partner, it will come off as if you are telling them that you are leaving. You should show your appreciation for a partner. Dating someone with abandonment issues may be challenging, but there are things much worse than feeling abandoned.

4. A person needs to stay in control of each and every situation during which they feel like their partner is going to leave them.

5. One must learn to manage their fears, become stronger, become self-reliant (for example, "No, they won't leave me. This situation is completely different from my childhood trauma. I am an adult now, I know that my partner loves me").

6. Carefully examine the moments of their unconscious behavior and analyze every aspect of a given situation. This will allow a person to analyze the situation in detail.

7. A person must ensure that they are surrounded by people they can trust. They should be an external resource for support. Communication with these people is crucial to overcoming one’s fears.

8. A person must be able to learn to open themselves up to people, but, at the same time, they must be very attentive and careful in selecting a partner for honest conversations.

9. And finally, a person should have some sort of a mantra of positive words and affirmations that they may turn to in the moments of fear and anxiety. This may seem like a silly thing, but it is worth giving it a try if you see that your partner suffers from this fear.

Is it possible to deal with this issue alone? How to overcome abandonment issues without external help?

First of all, it is rather difficult to reveal the fact that a person, in fact, suffers from irrational fears and anxieties (for example, there is no one to ask). Thus, healing abandonment issues may be even impossible since a person may just not be aware of such a thing. In addition, to a person who has experienced feelings of abandonment in their life, it will be difficult to trust themselves and others, to realize that they can truly be loved, accept themselves with all the flaws that they possess. If a person does not trust their own feelings, they will not be able to understand the state of their trauma, and it will also be difficult to get rid of their fears and anxieties.